You

I never thought I'd matter
To anyone

Until you
Came along

And changed my perspective
Of the universe

You made me feel
Like I matter

And I'm grateful
For you.

the sighing of the wind

the sighing of the wind,
touching my heart tenderly

the smoothness of the waves
making my soul quiet

as I quietly sense
the beauty of silence

crushing my loneliness
freeing my thoughts
from its captivity

how much I long
to remain here
and listen to

the sighing of the wind

Non existence

this waiting moments have been
since time began
unnoticed enveloped in solitude
perseverance solidify the
Illegitimacy of this non existence

Write your poetry. ..

Write your poetry
on my soul
with the ink
of your touch
tell me with a kiss
the words
you dare not speak
show me with your flesh
how much.

hidden truth

Buried within this soul's depths
Lies treasure's vision deep
amidst bereavement's void

The imagery etched on this creative mind
vivid scenes depicting reality's contradiction
A relentless pursuit of this imagination's conquest

As perceived victory expose its sinister plot
reality's blossom regress to wilted neglect
And the triumph of circumstance reveals its menacing agenda

As Opposer's desire unfold contending peaceful perfection
And the victim willingly succumb an eager hostage to future's ruin
Evil languish in deprivation's wake.

Priceless treasure held captive
As dream's dispossession is shattered
And exposed isolation reveals the hidden truth

Fallen ...

Send away for a priceless gift

One not subtle, one not on the list

Send away for a perfect world

One not simply, so absurd

In these times of trying in vain

Keep these feelings, no one knows

What ever happened to this man's heart

Swallowed by pain, as he slowly falls apart

And I'm staring down at this uncertainty,

I'm swimming through the ashes of another life

There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed

Staring down at this uncertainty

Send a message to the newborn child

Keep your eyes open for a while

In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else

There's a piece of a puzzle known as life

Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to this man's heart

Swallowed by pain, as he slowly falls apart

Continue to point your finger
Whisper your deception ever so softly

Never fail to condemn me

As you may never know what I believe

And as the tears fall

I continue to believe ...

Sad ...

I awake each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounds and as impossible as it actually is, happy. And during the course of each day my heart descends from my chest into my stomach. By early afternoon I am overcome by the feeling that nothing is right, or nothing is right for me, and by the desire to be alone. By evening I am fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of my grief, alone in my aimless guilt, alone even in my loneliness. I am not sad, I repeat to myself over and over, I am not sad. As if I may one day convince myself. Or fool myself. Or convince others -- the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because my life has unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it has become an empty white room. I will fall asleep with my heart at the foot of my bed, like some domesticated animal that is no part of myself at all. And each morning I will wake with it again in the cupboard of my rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon I am again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, ... someone else ... somewhere else. I am not sad.

My Love For You Is Real

Sometimes at night,
When I look to the sky,
I start thinking of you,
And then ask myself "why?"

"Why do I love you?"
I think and smile,
Because I know,
The list could run on for a mile.

The whisper of your voice,
The warmth of your touch,
So many little things,
Make me love you so much.

The way you support me,
Even my silly notions,
The way that you care,
And show such devotion.

The way that your kiss,
Fills me with desire,
And how you hold me,
With the warmth of a fire.

The way your eyes shine,
When you look at me,
Lost with you forever,
Is where i want to be.

The way that I feel,
When you are by my side,
A sense of completion,
And overflowing pride.

The dreams that I dream,
That all involve you,
The possibilities that I see,
The things that we can do.

How you finish the puzzle,
That lies inside my heart,
How deep in my soul,
You are a very important part.

I could go on for days,
Telling of what I feel,
But all you really must know is...
My love for you is real.

Shattered Hope

I look fine to you who see me
seems as though all is well

but what you see is not the truth
and I've a short story to tell 

care not, do I, what you may think
always doing my own thing

but one person's thought does matter
her approval makes me sing 

I try to be a good man
to do that which is right
I try to live as Christ the Lord
to be a shining light

 
I know I fail in many ways
though succeed I do as well
at times I am that bright light
but at others it's hard to tell 

it seemed things were alright
that you and I were fine
we talked at every day's end
but I was walking a thin line

 
one day I dared to ask
to see just what you thought
and great was the pain
when truth was what I sought 

though things had seemed so good
so close to you I felt
you see me as a bad person
and to my knees I knelt 

how could this be
that you see me in such a way
I know that I am imperfect
but a bad person, you say 

shattered were all my hopes
all the dreams of what could be
a future of love between us
forever sealed to fantasy 

and so I pretend I'm well
though in truth I'm really not
I pretend I'm fine for your sake
and I hide the pain I bought

I dreamed about you

I dreamed about you last night,
for this morning my pillow
still had an impression
of the outline of your face.

We were on the beach,
for between the sheets on my bed,
I discovered sand by my feet.

We were holding hands,
for my palm was still warm
and my fingers were formed
in the shape of your hand.

In my dream we must have been kissing,
for my lips were moist,
with your accumulated taste in my mouth.

We fell asleep together,
for my back was cold,
and my forequarters still warm with spooning.

In my dream I still wanted to whisper something,
to enclose you with my one final thought,
for on my tongue I discovered three words:
I and Love and You.

Near you

Near you, I feel safe
Near you, I need no excuse
Near you, I have no need for words to seek
I never feel insignificant, near you
The cold does not reach my heart, near you
There is no longing
I feel carried by so much love

Near you I feel safe
Near you I feel acceptable
Near you I feel good
Near you I learn to live, I have peace, I have courage

Near you I have hope beyond limit
Near you there is no harm
I need offer no gift, near you
There is so much wisdom
I am carried by so much love

Yet I know not how you feel
I know not what you ask
I know not what you think
Yet I know what you carry inside

My Heart

Delicately the finest cobweb hung
zig zag patterns invisible threads spun
to which shiny drops of longing clung
as morn's twilight across open skies strung
my world painted in tiny pictures upside-down
gleaming reflections shimmering as if to drown
amidst shadows of longing cast within my heart

And tiny drops heavily laden
a delicately negotiated burden
for even a trumpeting whisper
their uncertain existence may shorten
and a tiny piece to tear off perhaps
or utterly its fine composure collapse

Scattered

Broken shards shattered
trampled shells scattered
Step down on the shell of  me
The air I breathe I don't deserve
It's only me to remain behind alone
With loathing to cleanse my soul

I'm still holding on
While I remain alone
For all that I used to know
Still I hold on
What I knew is gone
I am alone

For a visit from the fears I wait
A bitter welcome for an unempty soul
As through darkness I fall
I speak out for no one to hear
And slowly I disappear

Fury

Life, Oh furious life
How it drives me
Sexual magical brutal fury
At my finest height
My coarsest depth
Creation inspiration originality passion
Violence pain pure fearless destruction
Giving and receiving blow upon blow
To recover from never
Pursued by its raging intensity
As it dances a furious dance
To create or destroy

Spirit, Oh human spirit
I become the object of your violent rant
Raw brutal animal
This is what we are
And we, civilized to disguise
That terrifying animal
lurking within us

Oh furious creature
Exalted transcendent self-destructive unutterable
Lord of creation

Vulnerably fragile

Glimmering mountain tops stabbing open skies in shades of gray greets me as my mind's eye revisits an arduous journey towards the edge of this precipice on which I now stand. My new found wings I feel spread under bristling feathers, readying for this moment of truth. With keen anticipation I draw the cool air carried on the mountain breeze and start in an exhilarating thrill. I shudder as its fresh caress enters my lungs ...This moment captures my focus as I draw confidence in this fear conquering quest... And I will be as vulnerable and fragile as it is possible for me to be... shredded to the core ... stripped bare... And when I fall ... it will be near your feet.

It's a Dog's Life

by faith goble



To My (Upside Down) Human Who Is Now Taking My Picture

What are you doing just hanging there,
With your feet on the ceiling
And your head in the air?
You look pretty strange from my point of view,
But humans are funny,
Especially you!

The Mask I Wear

I read as the letters danced
Through teary eyes I glanced
My heart felt as if it wanted to fray
At the very words I couldn't say

The Mask I Wear

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!



My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.

They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it.



That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls



I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.



But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.



So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,



The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.



It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and every woman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the mask I wear.

My words

There's something I've found in you
that is most precious and so true
a treasure that I cannot buy
or see with the naked eye

and for a way I constantly do seek
when often my heart wish to speak
of thoughts lying down so deep
buried, locked up they do sleep

of pain joy or distress
my heart desire to express
like a language I understand not
my ideas seem tied up to rot

a lifetime may have passed
before discovering at the very last
a friendship that's open and free
yet it also is the key

that free my thoughts from their jail
my heart no longer feels so frail
suddenly it flows to my lips
emancipating my deepest wits

in black and white the letters spill
the secret words in my heart that fill
cohesive concepts the sentences form
from the depths of my spirit they were born

a gift most precious it remains sought
which unties the plainest expression of my thought
conceived out of necessity
and often with lack of brevity

they are born for but a single purpose
to bring these disquieting thoughts to the surface
and to give a loud clear voice to the silence
liberating my soul from the depths of violence

no claim shall I have remain
by speaking without refrain
my words are my gift to you
yes you can believe it's true
for you are the key
that set them free

Copyright 2010
Johannes Cloete
All Rights Reserved

Reaching Out

I wake as if from a slumber to suddenly find myself confronted with a sense of sadness. I stare out my window as a forlorn shadow is cast on my once cheerful nature. Its a strange misery that appears to have raised its head out of nowhere. Perhaps its been there all along. This time I have failed to evade the despair ... Having lost the ability to wrap myself up in the bliss of ignorance, I seem to have equally lost the warmth of my once sunny disposition. As my fears grow shapes and come charging, I offer bitter hospitality to the coldness of the shadows that envelope me now and await the inevitable.

The intensity of my anxiety have become my closest companion and a prison warden to my exiled dreams. Having become alienated from those I hold dear I walk in the midst of the ruins of my existence. All that remains is self loathing which has insidiously arranged the rebuilding of these prison walls which incarcerates my hopes.

Like weeds growing in the night I find my garden of serenity overtaken by this unfathomable depth of sorrow. Blinded by ever multiplying obstacles I grope through fields of sadness ... hoping ... Yet still hoping ... as dim as the flicker of a candle in the dead of night ... Flickering on its last morsels of wax ... Hoping to feel the warmth of the rays of rekindled joy within this weathered soul.


Copyright 2010
Johannes Cloete
All Rights Reserved

Elephant

Large in its grotesque dark silence
… it waits in the room
My attempts to get away …
trapped under sandbags of futility…
Fleeing from it an exercise of the impossible
In silence my fate resigned
For it follows me you see

Even escaping the confines
Of the suffocating...
shrinking walls of my prison
I can count on it to …
remain two steps behind

Stealing away in my shadow
It follows … faithfully …. no …
spitefully … in it’s malice its bound to me
and me to it

And turning around …
almost in recognition of a familiar face
And see nothing …
an empty nothingness protruding from the silence
a familiar entity …
an ominous presence
Yet I do recognize it ...
before the need to embark
on a journey of painful recollection …
I know
… It’s the elephant in the room

It says nothing …
expects nothing to be said in return
It just waits …
patiently .. reminding me …
constantly reminding me

WHAT DO YOU WANT? …
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO?
Say something …
say anything .. please
… dear jesus
I feel my sobs choke halfway up my throat

Will your resolve weaken
Now that your quest is successful
now that we are alone
Just you and me

No …
Now that I am alone
You see … You don’t count
For its solitude you seek
Its solitude you impose
… On me
And you have become
… my self imposed warden

Oh love of my life
Light of my roadway
You are but a memory
In the darkness that envelops me
And as the night of my existence
... embraces me
I await the breaking dawn that never comes

Had we met sooner
Before I was bound to
This entity
Of sorrow and painful regret
Lurking in the shadows
It sits
And waits
It’s waiting still

Waiting for me to finish my writing
To take the last gulp
Of this bitter cup of heartache
And in its predictability
… It offers me a refill


Copyright Johannes Cloete 2009
All rights reserved