Elephant

Large in its grotesque dark silence
… it waits in the room
My attempts to get away …
trapped under sandbags of futility…
Fleeing from it an exercise of the impossible
In silence my fate resigned
For it follows me you see

Even escaping the confines
Of the suffocating...
shrinking walls of my prison
I can count on it to …
remain two steps behind

Stealing away in my shadow
It follows … faithfully …. no …
spitefully … in it’s malice its bound to me
and me to it

And turning around …
almost in recognition of a familiar face
And see nothing …
an empty nothingness protruding from the silence
a familiar entity …
an ominous presence
Yet I do recognize it ...
before the need to embark
on a journey of painful recollection …
I know
… It’s the elephant in the room

It says nothing …
expects nothing to be said in return
It just waits …
patiently .. reminding me …
constantly reminding me

WHAT DO YOU WANT? …
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO?
Say something …
say anything .. please
… dear jesus
I feel my sobs choke halfway up my throat

Will your resolve weaken
Now that your quest is successful
now that we are alone
Just you and me

No …
Now that I am alone
You see … You don’t count
For its solitude you seek
Its solitude you impose
… On me
And you have become
… my self imposed warden

Oh love of my life
Light of my roadway
You are but a memory
In the darkness that envelops me
And as the night of my existence
... embraces me
I await the breaking dawn that never comes

Had we met sooner
Before I was bound to
This entity
Of sorrow and painful regret
Lurking in the shadows
It sits
And waits
It’s waiting still

Waiting for me to finish my writing
To take the last gulp
Of this bitter cup of heartache
And in its predictability
… It offers me a refill


Copyright Johannes Cloete 2009
All rights reserved

have you ever been in love?

have you ever been in love?
it's scary like a test
you're vulnerable as a dove
it opens your chest

as it opens up your whole heart
someone gets inside you
messing you up from the start
and make you feel blue
distorting all your senses
you build many defenses

you build up a whole suit of armor,
nothing can hurt and your heart imprison
then one stupid person a real charmer
no different from any other stupid person
then wanders into your stupid life
you're no longer free from strife

you give them a piece of you.
they didn't ask for it, it's true
they did something dumb one day
like kiss you or smile at you that way
then your life isn't your own anymore
you're showing your peace the door

love takes hostages
it tears down bridges
it gets inside you from the start
and then begins to eat your heart

it leaves you crying alone in the darkness,
so simple a phrase can make you helpless
like 'maybe we should be just friends'
how can those words make amends
it turns into a splinter of glass
working its way into your heart
It seems the pain won't pass

it hurts,
you're unable to change the station
and its not just in the imagination
and believe me its not just in the mind
it's a soul-hurt, the ache makes you blind

a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain
and now who is there to blame
will you then ... do it again
it's only a matter of when

Copyright 2009
Johannes Cloete
All Rights Reserved

I speak not your name

I speak not, I trace not, I breathe not … your name. For there’s grief in the sound … there’s guilt in the blame. Will I ever be able to feel again? May I hold you one last time? Maybe I will feel something again. Deception leaves a metallic taste ... the untruthfulness is more than I can bear … I can no longer convince myself … when I speak to you, my voice I no longer hear… and it rips me apart. Why am I trying to hold on… when the pain is more than I can bear? Perhaps if I can forgive me … forgive you … forgive us …but the scars wont heal.

How do we play our broken strings? How do we feel something that our hearts won’t allow? How can I continue telling you something that’s not real?

The truth hurts … but lying is worse… the pain of it too much. How can I give anymore … when my love for you is different now? How do we play house in the ruins of us? It’s like running back into the fire, when there’s nothing left to save. It’s like chasing the very last train, when you already know it’s too late.

I speak not, I trace not, I breathe not … your name. For there’s grief in the sound … there’s guilt in the blame. The tear that now burns my cheek reveals the deep thoughts dwelling in the silence of my heart. Thoughts too brief for our passion … too long for our peace. Where are all those hours gone now … will their joy or bitterness ever cease? You may have all the happiness … mine will be the guilt.

Forgive me my dearest .. forsake me if you wish. Your heart is stronger than mine, and no one shall ever break it .. whatever may become of us. For now … the bitterness in this soul I cannot shake .. and our days appear more fleeting now, and our moments more sweet.

One sigh of your sorrow, one look of your love … and I’m captivated .. rewarded … reproached.

My Gift, My Sacrifice

As I watched the crimson colored clouds bidding the dying sun farewell, my disquieting thoughts prevailed. Of light and darkness … harmony and discord … beauty and fear … freedom and entrapment.

I was thinking about you tonight. And I was thinking about my gift … My sad sweet gift, to shine light upon darkness and wash away gloom … the only limitation was its being ineffective on you my dearest. For against your deep sorrow it had no use. So I hid it … buried it. For the perversity of it was a constant reminder of my sacrifice. In graceless mutiny misrepresenting goodness I dwelt, until it was impossible to continue.

The shiny skies were swimming now in the moonlit expanse. As ray lit clouds gleamed glory, yet highlighting a dead spot where the light lay spent to darkness. How this serene landscape was being threatened by thoughts of bitter self reproaches as I dealt them silently.

My love, how fleeting our serenity was? … under constant threat by tormented reality … saturated by sadness. Was I beginning to lose my mind in the depths of your despair? Frail limitation prevented me from being your companion on your journey through hell. In this I failed you. By cowardice I was distanced … whisked away to the light … away from suffocating darkness.

And how I abandoned you in the darkness of your prison … please forgive me. Was not the warmth of my love for you enough … enough to melt the ice from your heart? How can I blame you, when it’s me I can’t forgive?

You are my greatest sacrifice … for my gift I can no longer hide.

Sadness

Would that I were a dry well, and that the people tossed stones into me, for that would be easier than to be a spring of flowing water that the thirsty pass by, and from which they avoid drinking. – Kahlil Gibran (January 6, 1883 – April 10, 1931)

A deep sadness has taken my heart ransom. There is no price to pay for its release, for the kidnapper has no demands, other than to inflict pain. There are days when it seems that I will certainly drown in this immeasurable well of agony. How has this beautiful sad sweet life come to this? I keep asking myself rhetorically, hungrily awaiting an answer. My mind continually reasons around in perfect circles, as minds often do, only producing more questions, and no answers. No approach seems to have much success and I abandon all hope of understanding. Answers are as evasive as peace and closure.

I want to run naked shouting at the top of my lungs crying laughing sobbing … immersed in pain … enveloped by sad heartbroken emptiness … where I fall I wish to remain … for the dust to cover me, hide me, comfort me. Instead I willingly consume this poison in small benign meticulous dosages; its thoughts … memories … sorrow … happiness ... pain. I’m looking at this strangely familiar face in the mirror, it still looks pleasant although its eyes reveals perseverance turned weak; its mouth is silent while my heart is screaming.

It’s over and impossible to save. My soul is hollow. I am surrounded by silent passersby, a silent nightmare where nobody speaks. I’m offering sand deliveries in the middle of the Sahara, trapped on this lonely island where hopes and dreams turn into ashes, and illusions are dashed into broken mirrors.

As the sun sets

The last bits and pieces of daylight
before the clouded curtain of a long night:
deep reds and purples of a burning chalice
colors of mourning
signaling the end of another day.
As the trees and sky gradually melt and fade
into one another, the last light
takes with it not only our ability to see
but all the bright things of a lazy afternoon.
Dreams and wishes, a day's delight - disappeared,
leaving us alone within the darkness.

The truck arrived with merciless intent. An army marched in knowingly and determined. I watched memories of a life together carried out, one by one. I felt pieces of my heart go along and melt in the clear sunlight before it could make it to the rusty belly of the beast parked in the driveway.

These walls now shared the emptiness in my heart, but I did not notice it … for the crowded suffocating heartache drove me outside. Outside .. outside to the clear sunlight and the crisp cold air as the sun was setting … watching. Watching the truck rev up and disappear into the sunset where it came from … never to return.

The ache in my chest sends its poison through my veins, pulsating … beating a steady rhythm … ignorant to the screaming agony raging through this weathered spirit.
Inevitability is blazing its trumpet of finality. As the sun sets I’m down on my knees, praying for a sunrise.